growing pains

The past two months have been perhaps some of the most challenging of my life. I’ve experienced a gamut of emotions and my faith has been tested and stretched in ways that I’ve never encountered before. In the midst of the chaos, I’ve tried as much as possible to process and spend time in prayer and meditation to see exactly what God is teaching me. I’ve had times where I’ve battled and stayed strong, but at other times it feels as if I’m on the brink of a breakdown and have no one else to turn to. This is a season where I am confident that God is doing a work in me, but I would be lying if I said that I’m not ready for some relief.

So, heres my best effort at sharing some of what I’m in the process of learning. First, I’ve realized that I have a difficult time accepting grace. As much as I grasp what it is, it seems that I am always living a defeated life laden with guilt and regrets. I have no problem dispensing grace to others, but when I fall and confess my sin, I still feel condemned and tend to dwell on the past. I think I’ve traced this to pride in my own heart which stems from self-righteousness. When you view your standing in Christ as based on your own works and actions, then it is inevitable that when you fall you will have a hard time accepting grace. During this season, I have definitely learned the depth of my own sin and currently trying to learn to view it as a disease and not focus so much on “sins” which are merely the fruit produced by my own rebellious heart. I’m learning that there is no grace without justification. My salvation is based solely on the person and work of Christ. Period. If I don’t view myself as justified, then there is no accepting of grace. No matter how many times I fall, I must get up, go to the throne of grace, confess my sin, and begin to live in the victory that Christ has purchased through His blood on the Cross.

Second, I’ve learned that I am not in control of my life. After trying to change circumstances in my own strength, the results have been nothing less than futile and embarrassing. God simply asks us to submit and trust Him. This may sound simple, but in reality it something I battle every minute of every day. I must give my life over to Christ every day and die to my desire to fix things in my own strength. The flesh is very powerful. In fact, I believe that I am my own biggest enemy. Satan knows how to exploit my weaknesses, but ultimately it is my own heart that provides the final impetus. Satan and his minions are powerful, but they can’t make me sin. So, this battle between the flesh and the Spirit has been a constant along the way. The only way victory can be achieved is knowing that I can’t fight this battle, but Christ has and did and gained all victory on the Cross. I’m slowly learning to embrace the present and truly rest in the arms of Christ. This is the only place where true peace and joy can be found.

Third, I’ve learned to value true friendship and family. Through the midst of loss, it has a tendency to make you stop and appreciate those whom you still have. I’m learning the importance of embracing those relationships and freely dispense grace into others lives. In the past, I know I’ve had a tendency to be brash and was weak in the areas of gentleness and patience. True love produces relationships in which you can be honest and vulnerable. I’ve learned to not attempt to hide my struggles, but confess my sins to my brothers and pray through my struggles. In the past, I was too prideful to allow others to enter into my struggles. It has been very freeing not to have other men that I can go to and know that I will find mercy and grace.

Fourth, I’ve learned the power of hope. Many days all I wanted to do was retract from life and run from all the hurt and pain. I have experienced emotions that are stronger than any I’ve ever had in the past. I’ve learned that I have a tendency to suppress things and not deal with them in the open. This has made me more sensitive to others and their feelings. I’ve learned the value of fighting for what you believe in and to leave nothing on the table, but at the same time learning to let go and allow God to work. On my darkest days, there has always been the glimmer of hope. Hope is seen, but I know that in the end, I will be with Christ and be like Him for I will see Him face to face. No matter what happens in this life, that is the hope I have as His child.

Finally, I learned the importance of living a life that is utterly dependent on Christ and Christ alone. I believe that part of the reason I’ve gone through this season of pain and struggle is because Christ wanted me to learn that I must depend solely on Him and nothing else. My identity, security, joy, and purpose are found in Him and Him alone. In short, I’m a broken man and I know that it will take time to heal and each day I wake up, I must submit myself to His loving arms and pick up my Cross as I face another day that I have been blessed to live. I can’t change the past, I can simply focus on becoming a better man in the present through constantly examining and giving myself over to Him. I know that this is something that I had to go through and I pray that in the future I will be able to dispense grace to others who experience the same hurt and pain in this fallen world.

I’m not sure how long this season will last, but for now I’m beginning to embrace this time and by God’s grace I will come out refined and more like Christ! This is my prayer.