reflection

The last two years have been a journey of EPIC proportions to say the least. I’ve experienced ups and downs, joy and heartache, grace and bitterness, arrogance and humility, and just about every other emotional/spiritual attribute under the sun. Wondering around like a vagabond, I’ve lived in four states ranging from CO, WV, NC, and now OR. Arriving here in Portland, I can look back and honestly say that it is by God’s providence that I’m here.

Growing up in southern WV, like anywhere, had its advantages and disadvantages. I grew up in a middle/lower working class family. My dad worked a blue-collar job managing the produce department at a local grocery store. Mom, she stayed at home, raising my two sisters and I in what I would consider an average childhood. Both parents sacrificed significantly to send my sisters and I to a private Christian school. I never knew how much they gave, but looking back, I know it’s more than they let on. By mom staying at home, they chose to sacrifice such things as a nice house, opting instead to raise my sisters and I in a mobile home. Instead of driving two cars, we always had one vehicle which was responsible for all our logistical transportation. I never went without, and unlike many other poor, southern Appalachia children, I never went to bed hungry. I never went without clothes. I never went without love. I actually look back and thank God and cherish the loving sacrifices that my parents made.

I was raised in what I would describe a typical, independent, fundamental, cookie-cutter baptist church. I honestly don’t know the first time I heard the “message” of salvation or how many times I prayed the prayer to “ask Jesus to come into my heart” (whatever that’s supposed to mean). I grew up in what I would describe as religious Christianity. You know, the kind that drives you to a constant sense of guilt and condemnation. And when you don’t feel guilty about anything, you feel guilty about not feeling guilty. God isn’t viewed as a father. Sure, you’re saved by grace, but when it comes to your sanctification, you better work for it. If I work hard enough and follow every rule, then God will love me. The whole Santa Claus is Coming to Town theology........God’s makin’ a list and checkin’ it twice/Gonna find out who’s naughty and nice/He sees me when I’m sleepin’ and knows when I’m awake/so let’s just be good for “goodness” sake. God is a distant figure way up in some spiritual north pole and my list of prayers may reach Him if I my good deeds outweigh the bad. You always hear this talk about “personal” relationship, but it’s a journey that is way too hard and nothing you ever do is ever good enough to make any significant headway. So, eventually, you just throw in the towel and say to hell with it. I can’t do this! Apathy sets in...

High school graduation rolls around. I’m young and going to conquer the world. I have it all planned out. I’m going into Biology with the end goal of being a pediatrician. I’ll make money, have the big house I never had growing up, drive the nice car, and of course give my measly 10% of my six figure income to whatever church I join where I can write it off on my taxes. God will finally be pleased and smile on all I’ve done and accomplished. I will have finally earned his favor! Then I can rest assured in his salvation. After one semester, I slip further down this slippery waterfall of apathy that eventually pours into a pool of spiritual stagnation. Direction is lost and soon this gives way to the stench of festering bitterness that pollutes and fogs every possible direction of escape. Everything that was once so ethereal has succumbed to this intangible madness. Panic sets in.....

I decide to play my spiritual “get out of jail free” card and apply for Bible college. God will definitely not be able to overlook my piece of paper that I paid a bunch of money for which says I’m now a credible person and know everything there is to know about the Bible. Ask me anything.......I’ve been told everything I need to believe now. You don’t even have to know why you believe it. God has to love me.......I know that my good things are tipping this spiritual scale for the first time in my life. The lady of Justice is taking her blindfold off and giving me a wink! You’re home free now..........I can go ahead and ride this train straight into heaven, all the way to the throne where I can load up all my crowns and awards and chug right on around the New Jerusalem tootin’ my own horn the whole time......

Summer 2006

Colorado. Second season guiding in the San Juan range of the Rocky Mts. I can’t really put a finger on the exact time it started, but God began shining the true light of the Gospel into my life. Could it be that there is more to the Gospel than the “message of salvation”......It actually is “Good News” and not just “Good Advice”?

For the first time in my life I began to personally experience the love and grace of God in the person and work of Jesus Christ through the power of the Spirit. It all began to make sense. I experienced regeneration and the Gospel actually began to make sense in the bigger scheme of things. This whole time I was opposed to a God who is Holy and Just. I was at enmity with Him, under His wrath. There was a barrier, a separation, a gap that existed between His holiness and my sin. I began to look at the cross and what Christ accomplished. Not only did He die the death that I deserved, but He also lived the life I cannot live. He didn’t come here to just to simply be a good example or a coach or a therapist. No, He came here to be my Savior. He went to the cross and willingly laid down His life and the full wrath of God was poured out upon Him in my place. This “great exchange” has taken place in which He became sin and credits His righteousness to me. Done. It is Finished!

Life takes on whole new meaning.........

I don’t know exactly what God has in store, but I do know this. Life is no longer about trying to climb this spiritual ladder of earning God’s favor. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Although there is plenty of religious baggage to work through, I can now say that the Gospel is enough. I have yet to get beyond the Gospel and the Cross. I pray I never do!