decay

I am my own biggest idol. I worship self. I constantly make sacrifices to fulfill my godless passions and desires. I passionately pursue things that will make me acceptable. This acceptance feeds my ego. In turn, this produces pride which is the root of all sin. I present by body, mind, and spirit as a living sacrifice to myself. Pursue whatever brings me pleasure. Who cares if it is offensive to a holy God. It’s all about me and what makes me feel loved, accepted, and valued. So I kill the Spirit. I embrace the smaller ‘idols’ in order to worship the Idol, known as self. Even when I pursue and worship other idols, it’s simply for the purpose of fulfilling my own desires to be loved. I desire to be made much of. The insecurities, the lies, the doubts...Do whatever it takes to self-medicate. Don’t face reality. Money, lust, status, these are what you crave. This will make you complete. Do whatever it takes. Who cares about who you hurt or damage along the way. This is about me. I’m my own god. I pursue God because he endorses my desire to be made much of. But in the end, there is nothing but pain, hurt, decay, agony, torture, torment, desolation, emptiness, vacuity, and an abyss that festers and putrefies into an unbearable stench. Like all idols that are dead and have no ability to truly see, hear, feel, or think; seeing I do not see, hearing I do not hear, feeling I do not feel, and thinking I do not think.

Perhaps this is what it means to be given spiritual eyes. Not only to see God for who He truly is, but also to see my own state and how wicked, depraved, sick, immoral, iniquitous, vile, and corrupt that I really am. It’s not until I accept this reality that I can fully grasp how much I need Christ. I am a man who is weak, lustful, insecure, prideful, covetous, and desperately in need of rescue. The more I truly see Christ, the more I begin to truly see myself and it is not pretty.

“O Holy Father! Please give me spiritual eyes to see Your Holiness and myself for who I really am. Give me spiritual ears to hear your Word. Give me the mind of Christ to discern your truth. Help me by God’s grace to keep myself from idols, the biggest idol being myself. Fill my heart with the love of Christ. Give me the grace to live this life in such a way that brings you glory. And by seeing you, give me the ability to make much of you. Help me to die to Self and live by the power of the Spirit. Let there not be one nanosecond in which I am not aware of your Presence. This is eternal life. That they may know you the only true God and Jesus Christ whom you have sent. Help me to know you. Help me not to wallow in past sin that was nailed to the Cross. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Give me the grace to see your Glory. Give me a hunger and a thirst that only your Word can fill. Keep me from temptation. Guard my heart. May I be steadfast, unmovable, and relentless in putting to death the deeds of the flesh by the power of the Spirit. May I find my joy, acceptance, and happiness in You. Resurrect this dead corpse and help me to live as the new creature that I am.

“Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy.” Amen. (Ps 61.1-3)