reflection

The last two years have been a journey of EPIC proportions to say the least. I’ve experienced ups and downs, joy and heartache, grace and bitterness, arrogance and humility, and just about every other emotional/spiritual attribute under the sun. Wondering around like a vagabond, I’ve lived in four states ranging from CO, WV, NC, and now OR. Arriving here in Portland, I can look back and honestly say that it is by God’s providence that I’m here.

Growing up in southern WV, like anywhere, had its advantages and disadvantages. I grew up in a middle/lower working class family. My dad worked a blue-collar job managing the produce department at a local grocery store. Mom, she stayed at home, raising my two sisters and I in what I would consider an average childhood. Both parents sacrificed significantly to send my sisters and I to a private Christian school. I never knew how much they gave, but looking back, I know it’s more than they let on. By mom staying at home, they chose to sacrifice such things as a nice house, opting instead to raise my sisters and I in a mobile home. Instead of driving two cars, we always had one vehicle which was responsible for all our logistical transportation. I never went without, and unlike many other poor, southern Appalachia children, I never went to bed hungry. I never went without clothes. I never went without love. I actually look back and thank God and cherish the loving sacrifices that my parents made.

I was raised in what I would describe a typical, independent, fundamental, cookie-cutter baptist church. I honestly don’t know the first time I heard the “message” of salvation or how many times I prayed the prayer to “ask Jesus to come into my heart” (whatever that’s supposed to mean). I grew up in what I would describe as religious Christianity. You know, the kind that drives you to a constant sense of guilt and condemnation. And when you don’t feel guilty about anything, you feel guilty about not feeling guilty. God isn’t viewed as a father. Sure, you’re saved by grace, but when it comes to your sanctification, you better work for it. If I work hard enough and follow every rule, then God will love me. The whole Santa Claus is Coming to Town theology........God’s makin’ a list and checkin’ it twice/Gonna find out who’s naughty and nice/He sees me when I’m sleepin’ and knows when I’m awake/so let’s just be good for “goodness” sake. God is a distant figure way up in some spiritual north pole and my list of prayers may reach Him if I my good deeds outweigh the bad. You always hear this talk about “personal” relationship, but it’s a journey that is way too hard and nothing you ever do is ever good enough to make any significant headway. So, eventually, you just throw in the towel and say to hell with it. I can’t do this! Apathy sets in...

High school graduation rolls around. I’m young and going to conquer the world. I have it all planned out. I’m going into Biology with the end goal of being a pediatrician. I’ll make money, have the big house I never had growing up, drive the nice car, and of course give my measly 10% of my six figure income to whatever church I join where I can write it off on my taxes. God will finally be pleased and smile on all I’ve done and accomplished. I will have finally earned his favor! Then I can rest assured in his salvation. After one semester, I slip further down this slippery waterfall of apathy that eventually pours into a pool of spiritual stagnation. Direction is lost and soon this gives way to the stench of festering bitterness that pollutes and fogs every possible direction of escape. Everything that was once so ethereal has succumbed to this intangible madness. Panic sets in.....

I decide to play my spiritual “get out of jail free” card and apply for Bible college. God will definitely not be able to overlook my piece of paper that I paid a bunch of money for which says I’m now a credible person and know everything there is to know about the Bible. Ask me anything.......I’ve been told everything I need to believe now. You don’t even have to know why you believe it. God has to love me.......I know that my good things are tipping this spiritual scale for the first time in my life. The lady of Justice is taking her blindfold off and giving me a wink! You’re home free now..........I can go ahead and ride this train straight into heaven, all the way to the throne where I can load up all my crowns and awards and chug right on around the New Jerusalem tootin’ my own horn the whole time......

Summer 2006

Colorado. Second season guiding in the San Juan range of the Rocky Mts. I can’t really put a finger on the exact time it started, but God began shining the true light of the Gospel into my life. Could it be that there is more to the Gospel than the “message of salvation”......It actually is “Good News” and not just “Good Advice”?

For the first time in my life I began to personally experience the love and grace of God in the person and work of Jesus Christ through the power of the Spirit. It all began to make sense. I experienced regeneration and the Gospel actually began to make sense in the bigger scheme of things. This whole time I was opposed to a God who is Holy and Just. I was at enmity with Him, under His wrath. There was a barrier, a separation, a gap that existed between His holiness and my sin. I began to look at the cross and what Christ accomplished. Not only did He die the death that I deserved, but He also lived the life I cannot live. He didn’t come here to just to simply be a good example or a coach or a therapist. No, He came here to be my Savior. He went to the cross and willingly laid down His life and the full wrath of God was poured out upon Him in my place. This “great exchange” has taken place in which He became sin and credits His righteousness to me. Done. It is Finished!

Life takes on whole new meaning.........

I don’t know exactly what God has in store, but I do know this. Life is no longer about trying to climb this spiritual ladder of earning God’s favor. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Although there is plenty of religious baggage to work through, I can now say that the Gospel is enough. I have yet to get beyond the Gospel and the Cross. I pray I never do!

26 and single...

t all started around three weeks ago. I had no inclination whatsoever to dwell and meditate on the topic at hand. But, God in His sovereign ways, has seen fit to make me face it, despite my stubborn ways. I’m taking a course in Homiletics (Preaching) here at seminary. We’re required to preach for fifteen minutes on a passage assigned by the professor. The professor announced that we would be paired with a partner in which we’re required to meet with at least once a week for the next twelve weeks. I received the e-mail with the assigned passages which were dispersed in alphabetical order. I scan the list and my name is no where to be found. I inform the professor, he updates the list and places me at the very end. The passage assigned--Ephesians 5:22-33: Husbands and Wives! Now at first glance, you may be asking yourself, what’s the big deal here? Well, to begin with, I’m twenty-six years old and single. What in Hades can I or do I possibly know about marriage! Beyond that, how am I supposed to stand before married people and preach about “marriage”! I felt like I’d been asked to represent a country in far east asia, speaking a language I’ve never spoken. This is ludicrous! Insane! Ridiculous! But, at the same time, looking back, was it really just an “oversight” that I was left off the list the first time around? Or is there something that God is trying to teach me and show me through this! The Calvinist in me tends to lean toward the latter.

I was in my first wedding back in 2002. Best man, actually! Good times. Get to hang out with several close friends that you don’t see on an everyday basis, good food, etc. This would the be the first of nine weddings to come over the next six years. I’ve now had the privilege of being a groomsmen in nine weddings! Insane! I consider it an honor, but honestly, it’s hard not to get “burned” out. I can now say that almost all of my closest friends are now married. Friendships are changed, children are born, life goes on.....Even my twin sister is married now and my older sister got married last year. I became an uncle for the first time two months ago. Moving out here, I have yet to meet my nephew. I feel as if I exist as an enigma in a world of married 20 somethings. Then I reflect on my life and can’t help but ask the question, Why am I not married? It seems so easy for everyone else. They meet someone, go out for a cup of coffee, maybe upgrade to an occasional dinner or movie, man buys a diamond, gives it to girl, have a little ceremony, and bam! they live happily ever after. Why is it that I feel so misunderstood on so many different levels. Is it because my idea of a family vacation is a romp in the woods? Maybe it’s because I love bluegrass and mountain music from my native Appalachia? Maybe it’s the beard! Maybe it’s because I actually enjoy reading Calvin’s Institutes, Augustine’s Confessions, and many of the Puritans--for fun! Who knows. But is it spiritual? I cannot help but get lost in my own thoughts and live in a pseudo-reality in which I try to grasp and understand this concept of marriage and how it relates to my faith in Christ and what He has planned. Am I the only one who struggles with this? I mean, if I’m going to be a pastor and plant a church someday, it would make sense to have a wife who is sold out to Jesus and lives and breathes the Words of life found in Scripture expressed in a life of devotion to reaching the lost and helping the poor and living out the Gospel in every facet of life, including marriage. Even God says that “for this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” So, why is it so hard to find the “right” one. What does that even mean? I feel like a song by my one of my favorite bands, the Avett Brothers. The lyrics go as follows:

o you want to be in love like the movies
But in the movies they're not in love at all
And with a twinkle in their eyes
They're just saying their lines
So we can't be in love like the movies

Now in the movies they make it look so perfect
And in the background they're always playing the right song
And in the ending there's always a resolution
But real life is more than just two hours long

So you want to be in love like the movies
But in the movies they're not in love at all
And with a twinkle in their eyes
They're just saying their lines
So we can't be in love like the movies

Well you can freeze frame any moment from a movie
Or run the whole damn thing backwards from reel to reel
But I don't see one single solitary light technician
Or one single camera in this moonlit field

I don't want to be in love like the movies
Cause in the movies they're not in love at all
With a twinkle in their eyes
They're just saying their lines
So we can't be in love like the movies.

And with a twinkle in their eyes
They're just saying their lines
And so we can't be in love like the movies.
Nooooooo
We can't be in love like movies.

Is it really like that? I look around and wonder, how many people really are just putting on show! Is marriage really always like the movies! There’s a sneaking suspicion in my that its not always that way!

I know I’m rambling here, but I have to get this all out! Feel free to tune me out.........

Back to what started all this! I started reading the passage and meditating on the verses. Paul begins in verse 21 by telling everyone to submit to one another in the fear of Christ. Then he goes on to apply this principle in several relationships, beginning with wives and husbands. He tells wives to submit to their husband as to Christ. He then tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church. This whole issue of submission can get really nasty, but going back to verse 21, if they are both truly submitted to Christ, then there should be no disconnect between this submission/loving relationship. If the husband truly loves his wife as Christ loves the church, then he will simply want what is best for her and she should have no problem submitting because they are both submitted to Christ. Then Paul throws out this monster curve-ball! He says, by the way, this whole marriage thing, it’s the clearest picture we have of Christ’s relationship to His body, the church! Whoa! Wait a minute. Paul, you’re saying that Christian marriage is the clearest model we have of Christ and the church. This is crazy! Could it be that marriage is first off spiritual and not merely finding a “soul mate” who is physically attractive! I believe that there has to be some connection on all levels, but how many people do you know accept the fact that Christian marriage is first and foremost a privilege to be embraced because you actually are experiencing and modeling what the relationship looks like between Christ’s love for his bride the church. This whole submission/love relationship should be a privilege to be embraced! Christ after all modeled for us to perfection what it is like to submit to His Father, despite them being equal in essence and deity. Nevertheless, He humbly submitted Himself to the Father, even to death!

So, in conclusion, I guess I have a whole new perspective on marriage. I’ve sort of toyed around with these principles and concepts before, but not to this extent! To my married friends, please think and meditate about what a privilege you have of modeling this relationship to the world. To my fellow singles out there, don’t give up! More than likely, God hasn’t called us all to be monks or nuns. Trust in His providence and sovereignty. Even though it may seem that no one truly understands you and every date you go on turns to shallow, narcissistic, meanderings, it may just be God’s way of affirming that they’re NOT the “right” one and that you will be so much more blessed and thankful once you are given the privilege and honor of entering into that covenant relationship before God to model Christ’s love for His church. So, I’m going to go listen to some Avett Brothers now and maybe go for a run or a hike..............