get busy living, get busy dying

Past regrets. Loneliness. Self-pity. These are all things that I have been familiar with the past few months. Lies have been rampant and I have subtly bought into them time and again. It struck me the other day, whether I was aware of it or not, that what it amounts to is unbelief. By wallowing in past regrets I’m not allowing the grace and forgiveness of Christ to transform and heal my heart. Why am I holding onto things that Christ has forgiven and no longer holds against me? “If you, O Yahweh, should mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness, that you may be feared.” (Ps 130.3-4) “Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. Blessed is the man against whom Yahweh counts no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit...I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to Yahweh,’ and you forgave the iniquity of my sin.” (Ps 32.1-2; 5) “Bless Yahweh, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s...Yahweh is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Yahweh shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers we are but dust.” (Ps 103:3-5; 8-14) I must allow this truth to penetrate my heart and live in light of God’s forgiveness and grace. How can I be lonely when the Creator of the universe dwells within me and has chosen to place His presence through His Spirit into this broken vessel. God is Sovereign and faithful. No matter what He allows us to go through, He is Good. By believing the lies that I have been banished to a meaningless life is nothing more than unbelief. My Creator placed me on this earth for a purpose and that is to bring glory to His name no matter what the cost whether in times of blessing or loss. I believe that Christ can and does heal. At the end of the day this season is for my good and it is one more step in the process of sanctification that will eventually end in glorification. O how I long for the day when I will stand in His presence with the saints from all time. Sin will be no more and we will stand before Him perfect, clothed in Christ’s righteousness. Broken relationships will be no more and there will be perfect harmony between all people. Whatever has been broken in the past will be restored in the future. In the present, I must begin to live a life of faith and trust knowing that this world will always bring pain and hurt, but many times this is brought about by Christ in order to bring us to an end of ourselves. It’s time to take my eyes off myself and place them on Christ who reigns eternal as King Jesus! It’s time to step out in obedience and live a life that is marked by the sufferings of Christ and patient perseverance. My future and hope are secure. This is bigger than me and my comfort and happiness. I pray that my life will be marked by joy even in the midst of loss! Whatever I lose in this life cannot compare to what I have gained through Christ. I pray that I make much of Him and represent His unconditional, sacrificial, pursuing love to all I encounter. Eternal life begins now!

today. I die.

Today I die. I’m sick of living a half-hearted, apathetic, woe is me, wallowing in my own filth and sin, nominal, joyless, powerless, defeated life. When I read the descriptions of the patriarchs, the prophets, the apostles, and the saints throughout history, my so called faith is a joke. I live in fear, living a life of self-preservation. Following Christ is not about preserving this life or seeking to find happiness and identity in careers, material gains, comfort, relationships, and fame. In the words of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, “When Christ calls a man, he bids Him to come and die.” The apostle Paul says that “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (Ga 2.20) If this is true as I confess it to be, then my life should demonstrate this fact. If Christ laid down His life on my behalf and paid the penalty of my sin absorbing the wrath of God, then my flesh is dead. I died with Him and I now live by His Spirit. This life is fleeting and temporary and I don’t want to squander this opportunity to live a life of comfort and ease seeking to live out my pseudo, half-hearted, comfortable American Christianity. I am an ambassador of the Most High King Jesus and He has entrusted me with the only thing powerful enough to save fallen men--The Gospel of Jesus Christ. He asks me to do but one thing, take this to the nations and make disciples. Simple. Yet, I allow fear of death and persecution to keep me from taking this to the far reaches of the globe. I count my life of more value than those who have no hope. I’m not sure where or how this will play out in my life, but God is stirring in my heart. I’m ready to renounce all that I have held of value and take the Gospel to those who are unreached. I desire to send and mobilize teams of others who have counted this life as nothing and desire the eternal crown of glory that far outweighs this present suffering. There’s a very good chance I may die or preach the funerals of many who gave their lives to see the advancement of the Gospel. This is where the rubber meets the road. Am I willing to go? Will I lay down my life for the sake of Christ so that others may hear this message of salvation? I cannot do this in my flesh and it will take an act of grace and power of Christ in order to see this come to fruition. So, friends, I ask that you join me in prayer as I seek to live what Christ is beginning to do in my heart and life. Christ is all I have and at the end of this life, He is all that matters. For too long I’ve allowed the passing things of this world to grasp at my heart and it has taken a trial of immense pain and hurt to get me to this point in which I submit myself follow Christ no matter what the cost. Today, I pick up my Cross and I pray I never look back. There will be more to come as this is only the beginning. “For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel’s will save it.” (Mk 8.35)

no suitable helper was found

“The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was found no helper fit for him.” Ge 2:20

Bruce Waltke, commenting on this verse, says the following:

“Why does God determine that it is not good for Adam to be alone and then give him animals? Should he not have given the woman first? In fact, Adam must realize that it is not good to be alone. Rather than squandering his most precious gift on one who is unappreciative, God waits until Adam is prepared to appreciate the gift of woman.”

Genesis: A Commentary, 89.

As many of you know, the past few months have been very trying and difficult for me in many ways. God has seen fit to allow me to go through this time, but there are many days that are brutal and it takes everything within me to keep moving forward. I fail far more than I succeed and more than ever before, I know the depth of my own sin and unworthiness apart from Christ.

Three years ago I had a dream. I was going to go to seminary, find a wife, have children, pastor a church, and live a life that was devoted solely to Christ. I had it figured out. This is what God had for me and nothing could stop it. Two years later, I find myself back in WV, half-way done with seminary, single, and spiritually broken in many ways. I admit, it’s difficult to see where God is taking this, but as a Christian we are called not to question God but live by faith and patiently wait for him to provide and deliver. God uses these times to test us and to see if our faith is genuine or merely spurious and circumstantial. But, that said, it is anything but easy.

I recently began making my way through Genesis and today I was studying the second chapter. The quote above really spoke to me as I meditated on the gift of woman. I think in many ways, this hit too close to home. Looking back, I wish I knew then what I know now. I believe that many of the trials I’m currently going through are for this very purpose. I’ve always had a fear of being alone, but I don’t think that I truly had a grasp on how precious it is to have a woman in your life that loves, supports, and cherishes you. Unlike Adam, I chose to squander this gift and was not prepared to receive this precious and valuable gift. I hope that I never have to go through the pain of losing someone I love ever again and like Adam I will be prepared to appreciate, cherish, sacrifice, protect, nourish, and hold this woman close to my heart. This is not the path I would have chosen, but I still have faith in a God who redeems our losses and heals our pain and wounds. He is gracious and merciful and whatever He ordains is for His glory and I must bear this Cross for however long He sees fit! After all, life’s circumstances are merely the furnace in which we are forged into the shape of Christ by the blows of loss and trials. I know that at some point relief and rescue will come, but for now I press on losing more faith in myself each day as I seek to place all my faith in Him.